When I was in college, I had a lot of guy friends. There was one in particular I really, really, really liked.
This guy was the whole package. Smart. Good looking. Easy going. Funny. Accomplished. What girl wouldn’t like him? We had become friends, and the more I learned about him and had fun experiences with him, the more I liked him.
Only, I could tell he didn’t like me in that way.
So I called my brother for advice. “Why doesn’t he like me? What can I do to get him to like me? Is it possible to be more than just friends?”
My brother told me something I would never forget. “This guy has two imaginary lists. One is his Friend List. The other is his Date List. The lists don’t mix.”
I was pretty disappointed in that answer, though I am sure he was right. My brother did say that SOMETIMES a name can make the jump from the Friend List to the Date List, but it’s very rare. Very, very rare.
Why is that? I wondered. In my mind, you should want to date a guy friend. Because you should be friends and comfortable with each other, right? Obviously I had a lot to learn.
What was missing was The Spark.
We all need to feel a little bit of spark/passion/inkling/whatever about a person in order to date. You need that excitement, that motivation, that anticipation. But if you’re friends, then you are already comfortable–in some cases too comfortable. You are around each other enough that you sometimes take each other for granted. There is no “chase” that can really happen, because you already have a relationship of sorts. So the excitement is gone before it even begins.
During college I worked part-time with a guy in a master’s therapy program. He was also married with several children. So I figured he was an expert on guys and relationships. I asked him for some much needed advice on my situation.
“How can I jump from this guy’s Friend List to his Date List? I mean, is it even possible?”
My therapy friend smiled. He basically said this:
Flirt with him. As much as possible.
Give him the type of eye contact that will start a spark. And hold it there.
Be a little scarce from time to time. Help him miss you.
When you do see him, sit right next to him. Pay attention to him.
Touch his arm. Compliment him.
My friend asked for regular updates; I would have some from time to time. I tried his advice, and my guy friend DID seem to notice. We did get closer as friends, and at one point I was almost sure we would cross that Friend List to the Date List…. but other circumstances at play won in the end. We both ended up dating other people.
We are still friends. I am happy for him in his new relationship. While I do think it’s possible to make the jump from the Friend List to the Date List, it takes time, a lot of effort, and a little bit of luck. But it’s definitely worth a try.
What do you think?